Pull Me to the Light

I was crying in the darkness. I kept crying and crying.
I kept cutting and cutting my arms.
I didn't know what I supposed to do.

I think I had found the deepest corner I could find, but it was so dark I couldn't see anything. I tried to reach out on something, but I didn't feel anything on my fingertips.

The pain inside me was outrageous. I had to.. I just had to cut to make myself feel better. It was the only way to ease my pain.. Creating more pain in a physical way.

I spent a lot of time there. Months turned into years and I wasn’t able to cry anymore. It is not that crying helped my condition anyway. I somehow liked my self-made scars. I liked the pain it created. If I scratched my skin, I felt smart and little coldness on my skin. I didn’t want to hide it. It was a part of me now and who could possibly, ever see my scars in this darkness?

I also wished I could fill my sexual desires what had chained me my whole life. I had already reached an adulthood and I was single. I was alone and nobody ever came to confess their feelings to me. I wanted someone… no. Hahaha no! I don’t need anyone! I am perfectly fine alone! Besides in this way, nobody can not hurt me or I hurt them! This was perfect! I just needed to keep my distance from everyone and with time, I will surely manage to shut my desires!

But then, one day. I had enough.

I prayed to God in the darkness. I was angered and disappointed. Nothing seemed to change. I battled with the same things a day after day without seeing any success.

“Is this what you call love?! Why you let me suffer if you love me so much!? Nobody cares about me! I am tired, sick and I just want to die, but you won’t let me rest! You are torturing me! If you really love me, get me out of here!”

And so I lowered my head and leaned it to my knees. I wished I was never born. I didn’t want to live. I never wished to be born!

Suddenly I felt a gentle touch on my shoulder. I didn’t see it, but I felt it. I lifted my head slowly in the environment surrounding me, dazing in befuddlement.

“What was that?” I asked, but nobody answered. I got more anxious than ever, so I took few steps backward… Or so I thought. It was so dark I didn’t know which way I actually stepped.

Someone, or more like something gently grasped my hand and started to pull me. I got really confused! The hand itself didn’t hurt, but the situation made me struggle from more pain inside me. I tried to stop walking but the hand was stronger than me. I wanted to scream but I was too scared and embarrassed.

“What is happening? Where are you taking me?” I asked my voice trembling. Somehow I knew I was going forward to something better, where I supposed to go in the first place. However, I didn’t know if I wanted to. The darkness was already a part of me, a place where I have always been and lived. It was my whole life. And now, you are telling me I should step into the light? Are you crazy?!

I started to see light and noticed the hand, what was pulling me out from this darkness. The more I looked at that hand, the more visible it came. Also the light where it was pulling me to helped me see the hand clearer. It was indeed white all this time, but I was too blind to see it. I got almost into the light. It wasn’t long distance anymore.

“Wait!” I said and the hand stopped pulling me. I stood still and stared at the light. I got breathless and I needed to rest a bit. This all happened so fast. I wasn’t ready yet to step into the light. Just not yet! I took a deep breath and looked backward. I saw only pitch black darkness and right at that moment, I changed my mind. I was hurt, but I didn’t want to cut myself anymore. I still held some desires inside me, but I was ready to let them go. Those weren’t as bad as before. So I glanced back to the light and asked: “Are you sure about this?” And at the moment, I got peace in my heart and I knew, I have to do this. Everything will finally turn out to be fine.

I knew now I was going forward to freedom.

Lending my hand forward, waiting for this white hand to grasp it, I felt the gentle touch again. This time it didn't need to pull me - the lead was gentler. Force was meaningless because I walked all by myself now.

When I took my first step to the light, a great kindness, warm, peace and love filled my whole body, my heart and my whole soul. It had hit me like a bolt of lightning so I fell down. There I was helplessly crying - the one, who was unable to cry for years. I cried and cried and cried some more. Don’t get me wrong – I felt great. I felt light and the more I cried, the more light I felt. The burden I held was falling away. When I had cried enough and lied on the floor a while, I wiped away my tears, stood up and took a second step. All suddenly a black hand came from the darkness and grabbed my leg. In puzzlement, I turned sideways to see it.

“Where are you going?” The black hand asked with a soft voice. “We are going to miss you. Are you sure you want to go?” Surprisingly nice, sweet voice tried to make me rethink my decision.

However, I frowned and stepped on this hand with all my strength I had and so the hand screamed and fled. I giggled a bit and turned to walk forward in the light, but there came more critters from the darkness trying to grab me.

“DID YOU THINK YOU COULD JUST WALK AWAY? COME BACK! DON’T GO! WE NEED YOU!” Plenty of hands was trying to pull me back to the darkness. I fought back and almost lost. They forced me to face the darkness again, but the white hand came back. Before it even touched the dark ones, they fled back where they came from. I felt someone gently hugging me from behind and whispering to my ear: “I got your back. You don’t have to be afraid anymore. You have never been alone and never will be. Come, I want to tell everyone how great you are”, and he released me. I turned to see him and this time I saw a clear lines of a man.

“But why me?” I panicked.

“I chose you before you weren’t even born yet”, He answered.

“I haven’t done anything!” I said.

“You don’t have to. The only thing I care about is how you are and that you are here now with me. Because when you are with me, you are free from everything you want to be free from”, after saying this with a sweet voice, he gently pet my head and continued, “Come! Everyone is waiting for you.”

“Everyone?” I came surprised. But he just gave me a smile, took my hand and we walked forward. “We are going to party your great success!”

The more I walked in the light, the more I filled up with determination. I never wanted to go back to the darkness where I came from.

This path may not have been easy, but it is worth it. I found something, what I was looking for.

Love.